Get Your Own Wifi

There he was. Creeping in the dark. Under the starless night he lurked. And with the absence of the moon his wait was more enjoyable. Waiting for what? He was waiting for me to make one simple mistake. Just one wrong move. I wasn’t going to afford him the luxury. Of course I wasn’t aware of his looming presence just outside my window, amidst the flowers that Mama Jamila the landlady so diligently tended to daily.

A soft rap on the door. I had my earphones on and so I did not hear him. Soon another knock followed, louder this time. I paused “Lean On” the song I was streaming from YouTube while waiting for my torrents to finish downloading using my Zuku Fibre internet connection. I removed one earphones from my ears. Then, I just sat there fixed to the couch. My eyes darted across the room and for a second got fixed on the TV. Something Mexican was going on and I remember asking myself for the umpteenth time why I even subscribed to that channel when I didn’t even have a girlfriend in the first place.

Outside, silence. I must have heard my own ears ringing. I plugged one side of the earphone just in case and pressed play on “Uptown Funk”. I was having my own party, like I always do when I am at home enjoying my faster than wind Zuku internet connection. Another knock on the door. This time I was sure I heard right. I glanced at my phone. Damn play store. Always updating something. Time check: 1.30am. I should be in bed already. But someone was knocking my door. I lifted my weight off the sofa and it creaked as I did so. Damn! I should start visiting the gym. Or just watch online videos on how to lose weight and keep fit.

Three long strides and I was at the door. I pushed the curtain aside to get the glimpse of who stood at the door at these ungodly hours. And in the pitch of the night I couldn’t see a thing. I strained my eyes but instead they just hurt. I flicked the security light and then remembered it stopped working weeks ago. A fourth knock, softer this time on the door. A harmless knock. I decided to open. Most probably it was Juma the caretaker informing me that there would be no water in the taps tomorrow. Oh today, later in the day. I set lose the locks and pushed it to let…

This was no Juma! No! Juma wasn’t this tall. And this person standing here was gawky and had a mask on his face. Shit! I tried to push the door back but it was late. He was inside already. I stared back. With a husky adolescent voice he told me not to shout. I obliged. He pushed me back. All his strength put into it. He was weak I could tell. Anyway the impact of the surprise push  made me fall on the sofa. It creaked again. The gym came back to mind. Not because of the sofa but because I would not get myself pushed around by a kid.

His eyes scanned the room quickly. By now it was obvious I was being robbed. What I was scared of now was what he was going to deprive me of. Of course with his size he was not going to carry something heavy. I looked up and saw his eyes had stopped darting and were now settled on me. Even then, they were not steady. He looked deranged. Shit! Had he been sent to kill me? Fuck! Did I have enemies who would go this far, send a kid to kill me? Jeezus Christ! Or maybe there were others outside.

He reached into his pocket to pull out something. A gun maybe. I was scared shit. By now I was starting to say a prayer though I was a self confessed atheist. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and a white piece of paper was all that came out. You should have seen the relief on my face those few seconds before my mind made me realize that maybe he wanted my bank account and Mpesa pins. Man! I was too broke to handle that now. Let him carry the TV, I’ll even help him but not my ATM pin. No way! I’d rather die than…actually no.

“Hello, I am Kim.” He had a deep, scary voice, his words came out in a thick, bold font; probably Old Century Gothic, “I just moved into the building and I realized you have a full bar internet connection. Mind sharing it? I have some incomplete work to finish from the office.”

Wait, what? Ha! Really? Here I was getting ready to be robbed and then it turns out the dude only wanted my Wi-FI? Sigh. My balls had even started withering already! I stared at him blankly.

“Which network is this you are talking about?” I asked, pretending not to know which network he was talking about.

“Playboy Mansion”

I went back in and wrote it down slowly on a piece of paper. “GetYourOwnWifi1990” The last part being my year of birth.

“Thanks mate. I am getting mine soon.”

“It’s all good man. It’s all good.” I said back hoping he would take a hint from my password.