I switched off all the way to Ol Pejeta Conservancy to make up for 3 hours sleep debt I owed myself. Actually this was a trip I almost missed because it came right on the heels of Kapsabet Massive. However, upon hearing about what guys were going to do there, I knew there was no way I was missing out. See, there is dude named Sudan who has been touted as the world’s most sort after bachelor. Some may even say that he should get a show of his own. You know the types; where he is presented with a pantheon of heavenly women and a bunch of roses, then asked to pick just one. His situation is not too far off from a season of The Bachelor, when you come to think about it. Just that instead of a pleasure of women, he only has two females and, wait for it, a Tinder, account. Having two mamas has not stopped this bad boy. So ladies, if you or anyone you know, is searching for a good time with a Northern white male sponsor, ask them go and swipe right. Sudan is breathlessly waiting for you.  Kimberly, I know you are reading this. Guuuurrrl, Trust you me, he can gerrit. Tots. Hmm hmm hmm. I mean, have I ever lied to you, Kimberly?

***

Oh, and Kimberly, did I mention that Sudan is a rhino?

Well, Sudan is the last living Northern white male rhino on earth. It adds to his charm, right? But stop for a minute and consider how horrible must it feel to be the last of your kind yet you cannot continue your lineage. I mean, Sudan over here is about 44 years old. In human terms, this is apparently when life begins. He should be a Cheers Baba man suffering under the weight of midlife crisis, parking tinted SUVs outside University of Nairobi’s Awinja hostel waiting for his ‘niece’. Perhaps chasing a mortgage and putting his three kids through high school, lying to them how despite walking barefoot for 18km to get to school, he still scored straight As only.

But the forties for Rhinos is the homestretch. Sudan just sits, eats and shits. Wagging his tiny tail all day long in between chasing after rhino hunnies on Tinder. Hunnies he will never mount, because he is too old to, uhm,..give a fuck. This is how Sudan is raging into the light. I guess boys will always be boys, even at the brink of their extinction.
#Fuckboy #Patriachy #MenAreTrash

Despite not being able to mate (why the hell have they not created viagra for rhinos?) Sudan’s lineage will be continued via IVF. An acronym for something I cannot pronounce properly. It involves harvesting his sperm and that of a Northern white female (only two left in the world) and then putting them into a surrogate Southern white mama. This is supposed to cost 90 million shillings. Yap. I heard that figure and my mouth found the floor. Perhaps you wouldn’t be interested in Sudan now, right Kimberly? Who wants a sponsor whose medical expenses are trying to Match the tower of Babel? This is where that Sportpesa jackpot winner is called upon to do his good deed of the century.

Remember though, that the rest of Sudan’s kind, the Northern white rhino, is now on the edge of extinction because we human beings are absolute assholes. Do not ever forget that.

***

There is some Game of Thrones shit going on in this conservancy though. And not just any Game of Thrones shit. I am talking about Targaryen level kind of shit. Gather close and listen. I hope I get this correctly.

Here is a brief family tree of the white rhinos at Ol Pejeta.

Sudan, Northern White Rhino, Ol Pejeta Conservancy

Sudan – head of the household (Northern white)

The rest are…

Najin – Sudan’s daughter (Northern white rhino)
Fatou – Sudan’s granddaughter (Northern white rhino)
Ntauwuo – a lovely family friend. (Southern white rhino)

But there is a complication. You see, Sudan gave birth to Najin through a mother who is now marehemu. Then Najin birthed Fatou with some random deadbeat dude who must have skipped town after Najin’s flow went dry. Wherever the two mysterious dudes are, they are presumed dead and their estate divided amongst their surviving relatives.

Sasa, to continue with the Northern white bloodline, Mr. Sudan (44) has to mate with either his daughter (28) or his granddaughter (18). See? The remaining Northern white rhinos are merely Targaryens with an excuse – they need to survive. Akina Danaerys only sleep with their brothers just to keep the bloodlines pure.

But even then, kuna noma kidogo. Najin has issues with her legs. They cannot support another calf. So she cannot be mounted. Haiya. Fatou is what Luos would insensitively call Lur/Migumba/sikat lilo. Her ovaries are not working. Infertile. If there was any hope to have a proper mama, she would need to have Fatou’s legs and Najin’s reproductive system.

Najin, Fatou and Ntauwuo, Ol Pejeta Conservancy

The ladies of the household; Najin, Fatou and Ntauwuo

Kimberly, are we together? Ama umepotea?

Now, even if we were to get a lady Northern white rhino with good steady legs and fertile stomach, still, Sudan would not be able to nyandua her because he is too old. His body is not what it used to be.

His sperm is still good though. And this is where Ntauwuo (who names these animals though?) comes in. Hehehehe.

The plan is to get Najin’s eggs and Sudan’s sperm and then artificially fertilize them in Ntauwuo. Ntauwuo is the surrogate mother. She has volunteered as tribute to keep her friends’ species alive. Who is the genius that forgot to name her Katniss Everdeen instead? #NotAllHeroinesWearCapes
[P.S, What has your best friend done for you lately?]

But then this would have already been done, but then there is yet another problem. While harvesting sperm is easy, getting eggs is not. And no, it is not Raila’s fault. The tech to harvest and store them is still work in progress. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how an entire species gets royally fucked.

The last herd of Northern white was spotted in the DRC. Plans to rescue them went tits up because of, wait for it, politics. They died.

So, once again, remember that we human beings are absolute bufallo feaces. We were given this earth to take care of, but instead, like the adolescent little Lucifers we are, we threw a bash and messed up the whole place while the folks were in shagz.

One day nature will turn on us, and then what? In the meantime, a mother, a daughter and a family friend browse upon the yellowing grass of Nanyuki, futures bleaker than the memories of an Alzheimer patient, waiting on hope more than watchmen wait for the morning.


Hello again, Kimberly. Feeling guilty? Even a little disgusted by humanity? How about just sad? Well, you make yourself feel better by contributing to the protection of akina Sudan. Charity may assuage that shitty feeling you have in your chest.

  • If you are based in Kenya, you can donate via Mpesa. Paybill Business No. 964550 (please type the word “DONATION” in the account no. field)
  • And there is also a GoFundMe page

Cover image source; Travel Age West

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  1. It is certainly not Raila’s fault 😜😜… Interesting to know that even animals have those scary family stories that makes you want to question God’s plan. Nice piece

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