Serious Issues Bwana Mkubwa

It has been an action packed week in the mother of all Kenyan universities. First of all came the SONU drama, in which two tribes went head to head at the polls. On one hand was the Administration tribe and the second the Students tribe. In order to pass on their messages, some used firearms, others public speakers while the rest used clubs and machetes to voice themselves. All this mayhem was supposed to end on Saturday, or so the school thought. So they decided to place exams on the Monday after elections. Wrong move.

See, at the onset of it all, the idea was to block one Babu Owino from getting his name into the ballot papers. It was rather obvious that if he found his way into the ballot, he would win hands down. Boy, isn’t that student revered? And so when he was finally cleared to run for the seat for a second time, that is when the rain began beating the administration.

In the run up to elections, people drop their names. Its selective amnesia really. All of a sudden one becomes a ‘Bwana Mkubwa’ or ‘Jatelo’.  People gather, goodies are thrown around, electoral commissioners are taken for dinner (never mind the obvious conflict of interest), voting blocks are analysed in detail and plots are congealed in the shadows. A hypothetical conversation would be something like this:

“These are dicey issues Bwana Mkubwa.”

“Serious issues I tell you”

“But at the same time Jelumen (that’s campus twang’ for “Gentlemen”) we cannot allow to be washed like this.”

“No bwana, we cannot allow.”

“Jatelo, no matter how short a man is, he can never be shorter than his mhoigos.”

“Wisdom, omera. Wisdom. Now you have spoken like a woman heavily pregnant with two presidents. But do not also forget that no matter how lazy a woman is…she can never forget her ass at home”

“Especially Corazon.”

“Hehehehe. Yes Bwana Mkubwa. But again, this new constitution is fantamagorgeously belligerent to the needs and aspirations of the people. It is not only obnoxiously cantankerous but it is also causing discomposure and discomfiture of spirits. I am telling you we cannot, shall not and can never allow.”

“I agree it’s quite tricky. But at the same time Jatelo, what happened with the KLSS elections? All manner of washing people here and there. The boy Mutinda wrote that this year it was all about bed to bed campaigns.”

“Jelumen, in the famous words of Bill Clinton; I’m going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman”

“For sure, I know you differently. These campus lassies can be quite tempting though. So what do we do about the boy Mutinda”

“Jelumen, the fly that patches on the scrotum must be handled delicately. But I will tell you this. That I am a man in love with an incredible woman.”

“Wisdom Jatelo. Wisdom.”

“Back to the other serious issues, the SONU elections.”

“Big balls kende.”

“The revolution continues. Peace kende.”

The conversation trails off.

If you think that national politicians are a comedy, then you should attend a campus political rally. In fact, you have not watched comedy until you listen to a campus student’s campaign speech. The wisdom that flows is unorthodox. For the best of contemporary African proverbs, place yourself in such gatherings. There you will hear someone say;

“Comrades Riaaaah!”

“Riaaaaaah” the crowd cheers back.

“Comrades, Allow me to be as brief as a cock on a hen. Comrades power! My opponents are admin puppets. No matter how big a bedbug is, it can never carry a quarter vodka in its pockets, and no matter how tall a woman is she cannot urinate on a wall.” Everyone erupts into cheers, some of us erupt into squeals of laughter. Funny enough no lady takes offence. Because in a SONU campaign, nobody is touchy about feminism.

“Comrades, I have sent a message to the Vice Chancellor through his wife on WhatsApp. We have said that there shall be no exams on Monday in order for comrades to have a holiday to celebrate. If he does not heed to our call, we shall disappoint him and appoint a student VC. Comrades Aktchuuuu!”

“Aktchuuuu!” the crowd responds.

Everything he says is reiterated by the crowd. So long as it begins with ‘comrades’. He says Power, they say power. He says comrades and then sneezes, and the crowd sneezes. Never mind the health risk of contracting halitosis in such a sneezing crowd of over 1000 students. Woe unto the mothers who sold the only family cow, only for their firstborns to come to Nairobi to chant these gibberish.

A fortnight ago I said that a storm was coming. This is what I meant. And for sure no exams were written in my campus. It is believed that the voice of Babu Owino is like the voice of God upon the administration. If you do not heed to his call, you get swallowed up like Jonah of old.

P.S : Exams start tomorrow, so no post till next month. In the meantime, we have two weeks to closure of BAKE voting. Remember to vote so that I am not washed (hehehe). Follow the link here. These are very serious issues.