The only time one is supposed to stomach bad breath is the morning after. That time when you are barely awake and your squeeze from the night before accidentally yawns on your face. Otherwise, bad breath is non-negotiable.

Last week I bumped into a chic on my way to class. The lassie had everything going for her. If beauty had a face, then it would look like her. She came on to me, smiling. Her teeth all white like a dazzling army of Roman soldiers. However, looks can be deceiving. The moment she parted her lips to say hi, a pungent intoxicating and highly repulsive reek clouded my nostrils and made me cringe. She didn’t notice, and she kept on schooling me on humility as she insisted on using words that began with the letter ‘H’ like “Heeeeeeeeey. My name is Hellen. The malodor from her mouth was so foul; I could smell it through her cheeks. It almost made a bloated rat’s bowels smell like Utopia!

But then I am a gentleman, and a fairly good swimmer at that, so I stood there holding my breath and like a clown, I put on a show. I bit my tongue, trying so hard not to let my lips confess what was rampaging through my mind. Things like toothbrush, Colgate, Close-up, tic tac, mouthwash, Paradontax, breath mints and mgombero. See? This is what happens when PK is overpriced to Ksh. 7. And what happened the fresh breathe PK moments ad that came during prime time hour?


It does not matter whether you are suffering from a chronic type of halitosis or sinusitis. Or sometimes in the pardonable case of women, it’s their 28th day of the month, and hormones are going gaga.

Personal hygiene is NOT expendable. It is elementary hygiene to bathe and brush your teeth- as basic as looking left and right before crossing the road. But as important as checking the date of a condom before use. Whatever the reason may be; whether you and toothpaste aren’t cool anymore, or whether it is an ancient handed down tradition in your family to bathe once a fortnight. Still, there is no excuse good enough to warrant anyone to show up in a social place smelling like several shades of a dung beetle’s armpit.

It is April, and the cold season is here. That means that sprays and colognes are going to take the place where soap and water used to be. Classrooms air will pervaded with several kinds of unforgiving fetor compounded from both students and lecturers alike. Remember however that a cold shower, just like sex, is dreadful only the first time. Then you love it.

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