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    Dear baby boy, I can’t sleep
    I can’t think. I can’t even breathe.
    All I can think about is a crib, toys bottles and bibs
    Wishing that I could use them all on you,
    But instead,
    I play a role that is full
    As if I just had to do what I did.

    I mean, I was just a kid who swore she was in love

    Even though there are things I didn’t know of
    I just knew that I knew them all
    I was just trying to lean into his heart,
    But instead he let me fall.
    And that’s because the test was positive
    And that’s when he tripped.
    That’s when he dipped.
    That when he said that in my life you wouldn’t fit.

    I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

    I coughed clearing my tears
    It’s been three whole years
    And this is what it came to be.
    But I told him I loved him anyway so that he’d stay
    But he said the only way we would last was if I got an abortion
    And if I got it today
    So here I lay with nothing on except this paper dress
    Right next to me is a desk full of tools.

    Baby boy,
    All I am saying is that this is hard for me
    Way more than it is hurting you.
    Baby boy I love you…


    How could you possibly love me ma’
    You are killing me, your only son
    You love that man more than me


    Dear baby boy I refuse to go through life feeling unloved
    And unwanted
    I would just feel so thrown away


    But how the heck do you possibly think I feel ma’?
    I would literally end up in a dump after this
    You are tearing me from limb to limb for him
    I guess this is what they mean by “TRUE LOVE HURTS”.


    And I cried in that room,
    And now my womb has become this tomb
    And on my stomach I have RIP tattooed
    And it kills me when people ask me to whom

    He is probably disgusted with me, you know?

    He never even got the chance to taste my own tears
    He never even got the chance to even feel my touch
    All he ever felt was metal
    And now my emotions can’t settle
    How I yearn so much to hear the peddle
    Of my child’s footsteps.
    How I yearn to sing him to sleep with my soft lullabies
    But instead I go to sleep choking on my own cries.

    And the worst about this is
    I could have sworn I heard him gasp his last in there
    But I was too damn young and in love to care.

    Dear baby boy don’t hate me
    Appreciate that I didn’t bring you to this world under resentment.
    Appreciate that I didn’t allow you to suffer
    Coz you had such a foolish mother
    Making stupid mistakes one after another
    Never even looking back to care.

    I know it’s hard to tell
    Because we do not know each other very well….but,
    I love you.
    If I were a bit wiser, I would let my belly swell and your mind grow
    And laugh every time I think about your little pinky toe

    Dear baby boy, I am suffering.

    And right now all I am asking for is your forgiveness,
    So dear baby boy,
    Can you please forgive me?

    © Nicole Williams 

    {I met this piece while I was roaming around YouTube in search for my daily dose of fresh poetry. It  struck a chord in me. The words stab my heart, and tears brimmed. I tried searching for the author everywhere, but came short. If you find more of her works, please share. In the meantime however, view a video of her heartbreaking performance below. } 

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