I Apologize

I was exuberant as I waltzed to the teller and sleekly pushed forward that little green piece of paper, because finally, I felt rich. Just like any other bloke on the first week of opening, life felt good. We roll like bosses. It is that time of the year when life smiles back at you, and you feel like you are worthy of a column on Forbes. That is the time when you feel like relieving those sneakers that have served you faithfully for the past 365 days of their duty. Or maybe swing into jaluo-mode and treat that aficionado to a Guliyan Chocolate because the monotone taste of Fudge, Éclairs and PK has developed a new bud on her tongue. Perhaps a drinking spree over nyama choma at Wambugus would not be such a bad idea after all. For others whose families back home feed off that stipend, it is high time that visit to the butchery that has been long overdue was made. It is the beginning of the semester, and during this time, public university regular/bright/brilliant module I students put down the twigs, stones and disparaging words of protest; and hail the name of the Government.

Because for once, the government has blessed their bank accounts with a relatively fat paycheck popularly known as HELB (HELP?). They no longer worry about PK being seven bob, or whether buying fries for sh. 100 is a clear waste of money. They no longer have to think of lunch and supper before going to play pool; neither do their voices hesitate when the cashier at the mess tells them that there is no change, and that they have to let that five bob or ten bob pass. It is an adrenaline rush for spending. It is like some light has finally been lit in their wallets; and they realize that the school I.D takes up too much space. Space that would be more conveniently occupied by and A.T.M card. I am one such student, and this HELP is what galvanized my exuberance as I waked towards that lady teller. I felt like a Solomon. All the budget meticulously laid out- a new carpet for my room, new pair of shoes, food shopping, my mum back home, Dee, that new shirt I had taken on credit, and most importantly…August 15th the little bird’s birthday.

So shock was all on me when she tells me that I only have half the amount I anticipated. Had the government pulled a sick stunt on me? No. it can’t be. Come on, I am Magunga. Such isht does not happen to me. I am a crap repellent. Then it hit me. I had not lost my ATM card. I had given it away…to her. Then it started coming back…how it so happened that I became so stupid and lost of intelligence- both emotional and mental; when I put my heart where my brain used to be and did the most injudicious act that could ever be perceived by a man. So I just stood there. Gazing at the teller as she asked me for the umpteenth time to excuse the next customer with her hand impatiently beckoning on the man behind me to come over.

‘Oh snap! What were you thinking Gee?’

That was the same question that clawed the walls of my conscience as I feebly managed myself onto the lounge seat. It was past 4 pm and that irritating G4S guard was asking me to walk out.
‘Sawa…natoka’ I said gently. But he didn’t hear me, wouldn’t listen when I told him that I had unfinished business left to do and pointed the baton at me. I repeated myself. Then shouted. Then yelled…

‘NIACHE MJINGA WEWE!’

That was when I realized that the banking hall was almost empty, and my words had echoed across the hall. Resounding as it faded away, together with the only sanity I had left. I looked around with an unapologetic guise and the one thing that struck my attention was a little boy who had come with his mother. He looked terrified as he retreated backwards into his mother’s thighs. Probably to seek refuge from the look that he saw in my eyes. The look that a man gets when he feels betrayal gnawing through his feelings, and anger building up as it readies itself to erupt. The look that one gets when your head goes blank and all you see is the face of the little cunt that has withdrawn half of your account as payment for the nasty breakup you went through. The look that one gets when he receives a text immediately later from the same ho saying that she deserved an apology.

Now that is the last straw that broke this blogger’s back, because for close to a year or something in that neighborhood (as I had explained in THE LAST GOODBYE) I thought I was the dog who found a rainbow. See, dogs are color blind, they do not see color, just like we cannot see love. We can feel it, but cannot see it; it is just a blur. It is like riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by. But imagine if we could stop that train in its track and get out and see love for what it really is. A universe, a thing as unimaginable as color to a dog, but as real as the clothes we put on. Now, if we could just see like that, I mean really look at it, it is only then that maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form. And that is it; that is all I had found, felt and saw. I was just a person, a boy, who had seen a crack on a wall that nobody else could see. I was that dog who saw a rainbow, only that none of the other dogs believed me.

Turns out that the other dogs were right. Dogs will never see color, and at that time when I thought I had found my rainbow, I think I was either drunk or high on some serious strand of weed or crack. And now the bitch that had made this dog think that he had seen color was asking for an apology for it? Well then, maybe I should apologize…

I apologize for being me- such an old school romantic love freak. For all the times I spent at the salon, suffering the nitwit house help talk, because I was waiting for you. For all the classes I skived to be with you, or to take you out so that I could feed you with my hard earned money. I apologize that I stood by you when your dad dumped you in school without as much as a dime to your name. For the times I escorted you to your workplace when I was supposed to be figuring out what the heavens Cost Accounting means; for the night I spent writing your attachment report for you while you went raving with your friends; and for the times I had to lie to my mum that I was okay yet I was dying inside because you wouldn’t notice me… I AM SORRY.

I am very sincerely remorseful for taking you swimming and later getting you those diamond rings that my sister sent me from the states to give my step sister. For the times I paid for your fare to go see your boyfriend with my hostel fees. I am sorry that you loved music more than me, loved raving more than me, loved money more than me, and loved him more than me. Yet I loved you more than me.

I am sorry I was the only one who was there for you when you got sick and had to go through an operation- I am sorry I am the one who admitted you when none of your siblings nor dad cared less about it. I am sorry I came daily to see how you were doing. That I begged the nurses to take good care of you. I am sorry for the times you wouldn’t listen when I told you not to drink too much, when I begged you not to leave for home on the weekends because I wanted you to meet my mother.

I am sorry that she liked you and took you as her own daughter because she knew you had lost your mum. I am sorry that I had to fight my brother because he thought that I was spending more time with you instead of my studies. I apologize deeply that I had to run away from home because even though I knew he was right, I could not bear anyone who wanted to hurt you. I am so sorry for the fat lip and blue eyes I sustained when I fought him. When I deleted and blocked him on facebook and from my life for over a year because of your sake. Yet he is the same one with whose money you did your shopping, with whose cash I studied in CPA Section 2 with, and in whose car you rode as he took us out on Saturdays. I am very sorry.

My heart goes out to you in honest apology because I loved you. I am sorry that I stood on a platform and said you are the one I wanted to spend my life with to the entire school. I am sorry that I lost a contest to be the face of Parklands because of that. Because the judges thought my answer was blonde. I am sorry that I gave up a good relationship because of you. I am sorry that I stuck on your side when you lied against my friend, and said that she had insulted you when she had done no such thing- maybe raised her voice because she was angry.

I am sorry that I no longer speak to her, and that I probably never will. I am sorry that we became murderers because you would not let me do as I have always been told ever since puberty. I am sorry I bailed you out when kanjos bust your scrawny ass because you did not know what minding your own business meant. I am apologize I did this even when we were long broken up, and I knew you were shagging someone else- just after promising that you would get back with me. I am sorry that that someone else was a friend of mine. I am sorry that I no longer speak to that friend of mine- or rather, that guy who used to be my friend.

Because of that I have learned to become bitter like the forbidden fruit I had couldn’t refuse. I am so sorry for that. I am apologetic for now seeing nothing in a woman other than a pretty smile and a wet hole- because you taught me that love does not exist. I am sorry. And now more than ever, months after we parted ways, I am so sorry that I gave you the pin for my ATM. And I am sorry that you took the money I am supposed t use for the next four months. I am sorry that I will now be forced into debt that I do not even know how I will pay. I

am sorry that my little blue bird won’t get the birthday she had planned for. I am sorry that I will not send my mum the stipend I promised I will send her. I am sorry you wanted me to learn from all these that discovering that a young lady finds me attractive is exciting, but that sort of excitement is to the heart what too much candy is to the body; short term pleasure followed by long tern pain. That I should not accept candy when it is offered. I really am very very sorry, because I will not do any such thing. See, there is a little blue bird that already beat you to it. Plus I would not change who I am to be what you want me to be.

I am sorry I can no longer change who I am for you. I am so sorry, because you do not deserve it. You can go sit on a rhino’s nose for all I care. Oh, wait… forgive me, but I do not care.
I apologize.