If I Were A Girl; (the remix)

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Disclaimer: This post is actually not originally mine. I have to admit. I do not plagiarize other people’s work even though I am sometimes tempted so much to. His name is Jackson Biko…Read his blog on http://www.bikozulu.co.ke. I however remixed it to suit the campus scenario.

I would be called Janice, Chantelle or Camilla; you know, one of those names that do not make any excuses. I would put on braids so that my face looks longer and prettier. I would love my country, so much that I would be ready to give up my life for it…but not my hair. In fact, I would never dare put on any colored braids that would make me look like a Goth or a rugby groupie.

I would wear six inched heels regularly so that I would tower above short men. Perhaps my ego would be way up there, and I would of course be proud of myself and never give a damn about what campus gossip has to say about me. If truth be told, I would always be giving them something new to talk about each and every day, until they get used to the idea that I do not really care. My favorite quote would thus be… “Opinions are like ***holes, everyone has one, but I do not like yours!” I would use it everywhere, even where it did not apply. I would be bold and overconfident, but this would just be to intimidate the so-called players and make them cower. In short, I would definitely have all the vuvuzelas going waka waka!

I would wear all sorts of colors; green, yellow, red, blue, and even pink without having to justify myself with ‘no homo’ quotes everywhere I go. Hell, I would be a cocktail of tribes with; a Luo’s sexy rack and behind, a Kamba’s luscious bottom lip, and a kyuk’s pretty face. I would especially be late for class, so that I make a hell of an entrance that nobody could ignore. Even the lecturer himself would have to call the students to order as I sway my blessed hips to the click of my heels…. But I would never do that in Rose Ayugi’s class. At the swimming pool, I would be the one every boy wants to teach how to swim.

I would laugh quietly at guys who struggle to feel my breasts when hugging, or those who undress me in their minds every time we are just having a simple conversation. I would frown at women who adjust their bras in public, not forgetting the disturbed ones with VPLs- Visible Panty Lines. I would rebuke those who wear oversized Safaricom T-Shirts over their pajamas to class, simply because it is exam week.

If I were overweight, I would hit the gym to get the body I wanted. Though I highly doubt I would be ‘The Unmentionable’ (refer to Maitha’s blog article- Experiences at the Gym). If I did not get the body I desired, I would work on my self esteem. However, if I saw a chic with the body I craved, I would frustrate her just to make myself feel better; maybe put some laxative in her drink while having coffee at the Poolside (of course I would never eat at the mess), or steal her towel while she was showering. If none of these helped, I would get Kabaya’s SUV and run her over!

I would never gossip, except in the salon and at an all-girls party. I would know how to dance to salsa, tango, waltz, cha cha, fox trot and other ballroom dances…I would never let a dude rub his penis against my beautiful ass in the name of dancing. NEVER! That is just gross…except of course if it is my boyfriend. I would never wear another girl’s dress or let her borrow mine. My dresses would be my own, because they would have been tailored just to suit my body only.

I would be smarter than the average campus chic when it comes to relationships and dating. I would teach them that the playing field is never leveled. I would discourage them against the so called girl codes that limit their choice of dudes. To me, any dude who is sizzle and ready to mizzle is datable for shizzle! It does not matter whether another sister had bagged him before. I would teach them to laugh when they can, apologize when they should, and let go of what they can’t change. Kiss slowly, play hard, forgive quickly, take chances, give everything and have no regrets. Life’s too short to be anything but happy.

Anyway, enough of this reverie about how it would feel like to be a girl; I love myself as a dude. Being a man is so much easier; you wake up, you pee while standing, your wear slippers to class without washing your face, you watch football when you have a CAT the next morning, you pick your nose in public, you drink from the bottle, you fart loudly when you are alone in your room and stare down girls’ cleavages during group discussions. SIMPLE!

So this is to all the campus girls who make ‘chic-hood’ look so effortless and classy. Two thumbs way up!


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