The Art of Self-Love

[This article first appeared on my bi-weekly column The Bachelor dated 12/01/2015 in The Modern African Guy website]

You know that thing that people refer to as ‘me time’? It is usually euphemism for ‘touching myself time’. Masturbation, plainly put. Whats The Real Bachelors of Lang’ata call kusugua risasi. Do not roll your eyes, people. It is normal, natural and extremely necessary. Just like an automobile, our junk needs servicing every now and then that would involve changing oil. Think, who fancies prostrate cancer?

Usually, penetrative sex is what we like to go for.

However there situations that would drive a man to resort to self-love. Like when a man is on a long and nasty streak of a dry spell. Or when he lives with a guy whose girlfriend is a screamer; the sound track to their sex is on full volume. Or just before a hot date – bashing the little bishop before meeting with a girl. You do not want to go there with a loaded gun, otherwise you will not think straight all through the date.

One of the good things about playing pocket pool is that it is inexpensive. You do not need money. You could be broke as hell, with no money to take anyone anywhere, least of all buy protection and/or lube, but then still have a kick ass time.

As a matter of fact, there are so many tricks and methods of liquidating your inventory. There is no defined method. You can be the kind that loves the good old palm and five finger salute – wrapping the hand around the penis and moving it in a thrusting movement. Others like it dry, others prefer using lubricant, others accessorize with the kind of gifts that Santa will not deliver on Christmas. I hear there is one called The Octopus: you rub the tip of it with your fingers like an octopus swimming to the ocean’s surface.

One just has to decide which one rocks one’s boat and then fly with it. It’s not the size of the boat (or wallet) that matter – it’s the motion of the ocean. Masturbation is like religion. Choose which one works for you.

Being a bachelor who lives with another bachelor, there are particular rules of engagement when it comes to handling (ha!) these issues. Come to think of it. We young guys talk about masturbation all the time, unashamedly, with no judgment whatsoever.  There is nothing revolting about jerking off. It is biology. Just like germination. You do not see people getting their panties in a twist over photosynthesis, do you?

Nonetheless, there are a few rules that I feel we should abide by, especially in instances of shared space. Mostly because, for us men, masturbation is usually very messy. If done right, you can live for days with your roomie without him ever knowing that you unburdened your load.

Personally, I’ve never been in a situation where I didn’t have enough privacy to take care of myself when the urge arises. But sometimes, while chilling with my boys, talking about women over a beer, I hear some stories about someone (a house mate or girlfriend) who walked in on them flogging their log.

So here are some masturbation etiquette tips that might come in handy for vijanas out there; ground rules to play by when beating the shit out of your midget friend.

Don’t do it when she is around

There are those girlfriends who will never understand. The self-absorbed type who like to make everything about them. So if they find you pleasuring yourself, they will flip and ask “Why on Earth would you masturbate when you have me?”

Because it feels amazing! Yawa!

So why even put yourself in such a situation? Just avoid it. Someday she will grow up and open a science textbook, and she will be surprised when she finds out that the earth’s is not pivoted on her forehead.

Lock the door

When you are staying with your boy, he will want to come into your room. And we men rarely employ social graces like knocking before entering a room. You will find yourselves in an awkward situation when he barges in, perhaps in a burst of excitement to tell you that Rooney had scored, only to find you writhing in pleasure.

But do not worry. If he catches you red handed, look at him in the face and continue. It will help to establish dominance in your living relationship henceforth.

And guys, if you walk in on your housemate in the process of self-discovery, apologize. Say “I’m sorry omera, I didn’t mean to disturb you two” and beat it. Do not make it more awkward than necessary by trying to make polite conversation.

Use the bathroom

Let’s be fair guys. It must be very maddening for your girl to be woken up by a sudden bed-quake and you huffing and puffing. If I was a woman, I do not know whether I would let him know I am awake or just lie there cringing with rage.

You see that bowl with taps on it? It’s called a sink. Use it. Wash up. Not just your jewels. Your hands too. Do not be one of those guys who handle their business and then hands their housemate a sandwich with a side of dried, crispy jizz. Nobody likes those.

And please, do not leak on the floor.

Avoid the public

That is just creepy, and illegal. Our penal (Oh Lord!) law calls it corrupting public morals.

Breathe

For the love of God, remember to breathe.

Look, it is all good if you are a single bachelor, living on your own. These rules do not apply to you. The world is your oyster, omera. Go all out and get in touch with the inner you. Sugua risasi ni kama uko vita Kapedo. Your one eyed snake is breathlessly waiting to be charmed.

COVER PHOTO: Flickr