I had to call my brother to ask him what I fear the most. I asked him if he thinks I am a ninja. He laughed and asked why I was partaking in whiskey without him. When I told him I was serious and I needed to know what I fear the most, the answers came flowing like he had waited for that question all his life. “That one is easy. You fear chameleons, lizards and house parties.”
“I do not fear house parties. I hate them.”
“Hahahaha! Hate is a word you use when you want to sound like a ninja in the midst of fear”
“Sawa sensei Socrates”
Thing is, my brother did not mention these three things without merit. There are reasons, embarrassing reasons, why he mentioned them. And today you will enjoy the rare spectacle of me undressing myself so that you can see my fears.
Disclaimers suck, but here is one anyway. I am doing this in the spirit of continuing with the conversation about fears that began here, in order to keep the connections going, not so that you can use any of these against me in a court of law (or anywhere for that matter). Sawa?
Haiya bas. Here we go.
1. House Parties
It would take a lot of love and familiarity for me to attend a house party. Most house parties I have attended are boring and in all honesty, I would rather face boredom in my house than somewhere far from my very needy bed. The last house party I attended was a disaster to say the least. A friend had been invited to a house warming party and she wanted me to accompany her. The person who invited her told her that the party was going to be ‘lit’. We were promised lots of food, drinks, good music and eye candies. We dressed like we were going to a lit party. Just the memory of the six inches heels I wore makes my back hurt. We decided not to eat anything so as not to mix party food with our normal food. We, in our heels and hot dresses, walked into the party ready to have fun. The supposedly hot party was empty. We found the host with two people dressed in pyjamas. There was no sight of food or drinks. We stayed on thinking we had arrived early but two hours later, nothing. When we couldn’t hold the hunger any longer and asked for food, we were told to prepare eggs and ugali. We wore heels and left our houses for ugali and eggs. You cannot convince me that house parties can be fun. I fear being bored when I am far away from my bed.
Chameleons, lizard and frogs are ugly. I have never loved them since I was a kid and I think that they do not like me either. They have always done their best to embarrass me. Very malicious creatures these ones. I cannot remember how I came to fear lizards but I could not stay in the same room with them. I still cannot. I grew up in ushago so we used pit latrines. For some reason, the lizards loved the pit latrines. Going to the toilet for me involved lots of planning and strategizing. My brother had to first go and chase away all the lizards. He would then call me after the coast was clear. I would go in and leave the door open as my brother ensured that no lizard came near the toilet. One day, my brother was repairing his hunting weapon aka feya when the urge to go poop came calling. I told him I needed him to go check out the toilet but he was too busy to act and he asked me to wait. I tried waiting as I begged him to drop whatever it was he was doing but he could not listen. When I could not hold it any longer, I ran to the toilet and that is when it hit him that I was serious and he started running after me. Unfortunately, I did not make it to the toilet. I pooped all over myself and our ever so helpful and kind house manager Florence had to clean me up and assure me that my mother would never get to hear about what happened. I still cannot stand those things. Have you seen Nairobi lizards? Those things are so white, cold and ugly. I have cans of poisonous sprays in my house to kill them if they dared visit my house. More than once, I have made emergency conference calls to my brothers at midnight after spotting a lizard. The call normally involves ranting and threatening to haunt all of them if the thing kills me. Things that can make you shit your pants, literally, are not to be taken lightly.
When we were young, we used to be told that once a chameleon held on to your hair, it would never let go and you had to be taken to the hospital. This is what started my fear for chameleons. The fact it can also change its color making it hard to be seen makes it impossible to love that thing. Strangely, my mother and our lastborn confidently pick chameleons and let them walk on their hands. My mother once thought that my fear was a joke and when she saw a chameleon on a branch of a tree, she took it and put it on my back then alerted me that the thing was walking on my bag. I kid you not; all the clothes on my body were removed in seconds as I ran outside our gate screaming for help. I had to be followed with a leso and be assured that the chameleon was nowhere near my hair. Something that can make you throw away your dignity and throw your buttocks all over the place to the public is to be feared.
I refuse to embarrass myself further with these stories. All I will say about frogs is that I fear them because they are ugly. Actually, you know what would be fair? If you were to share your own self-deprecating moments for our own delight. Add your story here.