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    If my son was to be kidnapped, here’s how I would handle the situation. This is how our WhatsApp conversation would go.

    ***

    Kidnappers: Wanja, We have your son. If you want to see him again, you have 24 hours to meet one of us under the main bridge at midnight. Come with 1 million. Cash. Come alone. Call the cops and we will not hesitate killing your little boy.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Miss. Wanja, We still have your son. You have 10 more hours to give us what we want, and we will give you back your son. 1 million. Under the main bridge. Midnight. Or we’ll kill him and drop his remains at your doorstep.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers:24 hours are up. We expect to see you under the main bridge with the cash. Come alone. You already know what will happen if you call the cops.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Wanja, We are here. Where are you?

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Madam. We are still here, at the agreed location. We will chop off your son’s head if you do not show up in the next 30 minutes.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Okay, maybe you are stuck in traffic. We will give you 30 more minutes.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: It’s been 2 days. You have to take this seriously. Today. Midnight. Under the bridge. We’ll make it 800k because we understand it’s January and you must be broke. Make a wrong move and we kill him.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: We are not joking. We are giving you til tomorrow. 800k. Or your son is dead.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Wanja Kavengi, Say something.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers:Fine. We have discussed and decided that 500k is fair. So let’s meet under the main bridge. Tonight at 10PM. Your son has been giving us sleepless nights and we sort of have sleep deficit, so we want to sleep early. Alert the cops and we kill him.

    Wanja; *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: You there?

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: 250k is a good deal. Same place. Same initial time. No cops.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Okay, at least bring some clothes for him to change into.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: 100k. Is an even better deal. Bring the cash. We are tired of your son.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: What kind of mother are you?

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Okay, we know you can do 50k. Just Mpesa the cash.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Are you even alive? Can you send us proof of life so that we know we are dealing with someone who is alive?

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: 10k. Mpesa. Bei ya jioni. This is considerate, considering this your kid broke our kitchen glasses almost all. 

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: We will accept 5k. That is fare for bringing him back. Tuma na ya kutoa.

    Wanja: *Two blue ticks*

    Kidnappers: Mwanamke. We can’t do this anymore. We’ve left your son at your doorstep.

    Wanja: New phone. Who dis?

    Kidnappers: *Two blue ticks*

    ***

    the Magunga
    Wanja Kavengi – The Retired Catfish of Malindi

    Cartoon by Bwana Mdogo

    Wanja Kavengi and her Son’s Kidnappers via @theMagunga

    I am an exhausted mother in wine-stained pyjamas.

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    cadka.

    lemme be the first one to comment.

    owa nawiri

    wait till their send you pics of your son’s chopped off fingers utaanzisha online harambee lol..
    hilarious piece!

    Ronald

    hilarious!! nice one

    Phanis Obwaya

    This is hilarious. The son must have broken the kidnappers’ hearts too

    fenny jacobs

    heehehehe didn’t expect this at all…nice

    chet

    Good to see you two are back together! She is a gifted writer and hope to see more.

    Aisha

    Nice one there! An auction deal and the bid ends with KSH 0 and too much of the bidders’ effort. Quite crazy.

    Baylone

    catfish amefufuka :0
    okei

    jennifer

    hilarious! you held me at ransom with the two blue ticks lol

    Joyce

    hahahaha…this just made my week!!!

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