What I Am

I always say that the day I’ll understand women, life will become boring
Because women love cock….tails, and that explains their fear for beer
I still wonder if a Luo vampire is called Ouma, and if vampires drink shell v-power to move faster,
But I’ve never been a fan of vampires, we all know they suck.

Now, I wanna know who I am but for most of you, it’s what I am, and it’s for the things I do or think that make me what I am, because,
In thick and thin I`m still making length longer and adding waves to the shortwaves, adding heat to the microwave and making sure the shores in the oceans wave more.

I’m such bad news that they use my face whenever they have breaking news
I’m that fart that pops up whenever you sit next to a hot girl,
I’m that rat that sneaks under the bed while you’re making out with a new girlfriend,
I’m that last piece of poop that refuses to be flushed along with the rest
I refer to you as a toilet basin since you may see ass everyday but you take shit as well

I don’t need to quote common to instill more sense into your souls
I’m the reason Lady Jaydee is looking for where Yahaya lives
My sense is so anti-gravity, so hard for anyone to put it down
I’m all right because the shit they put up is all to be left to posers
You may know how to juggle but you surely don’t have the balls to ride along

I’m the main reason midgets are afraid of heights
I don’t need baby-steps to learn all the rules of child-play
My shit comes in handy like the sign language
I’m the kind that farts in the pool and urges you to keep the story chini ya maji

Sometimes my mouth lacks sense and I have to use sensodine to make sense
I know my name pops up whenever Facebook asks Lipita Nyongo what’s on her mind
I collect my 50 cents, stash them together with my Young Bucks and save them at Lloyd Banks.
Like Michael Jackson I wear two trousers and dance to Mbili jeans,
I don’t need to steal kids like some pastor to be called a Deya devil!
I don’t approve of putting Blueband in ugali because I believe the Blueband in it will say, nishike polepole, mimi ni BB ya wenyewe

I’m the branch manager of your veins and that gives me the liberty to give your mind wood
I’m so sparkling that they use me to clean those addicted to soaps and other operas
I don’t drink wine coz it makes me whine
As a young boy, I dreamt of working at the World Bank, before I lost all interest and wanted to work at a construction site so as they call me a rock star

They call me aces because I nailed all my tests before life screwed everything up
I don’t aim for the sky since I know very well that there’re footsteps in the moon,
I was never born, I’ve always been alive, my daddy always carried me, before that holiday in when I went home with my mama.
I want a wife from the coast who wears a Taita skirt,or one from the rift valley, she who can walk well in Nandi heels. That way I’ll leave you to judge our gay brothers for crimes against Nyumanity!

I only drink beer since it’s my kind of holy spirit!
If you want to be right and wrong at the same time just agree with me, alright?

I’m not like the governor,
Kidero, yeye ni CARtel, kazi yake ni ku-hike parking fees na kureduce slapping fees.
I still think that anyone who doesn’t drink tea is a teetotaler
If we send Mututho behind bars for 5-11 years like the daily operational time, do you think he could legalize booze?
I feed chocolate to my dog so as people don’t call it a mbwa koko
I love shoes that make sounds whenever I step on the sole, that way I can say I wear Sauti soles
Now I think some of you think that I belong to a hospital but last time I went there, I saw a nurse, I fancied her, before she prescribed me Fansidar!

Reason I don’t date girls with small boobs, see, I used to believe that having small boobs meant I was closer to her heart, but I learned better after dating a fool named Faith who was always unfaithful!

And that ladies and gentlemen, is what I am!